This is the glamorous.

Going to work is much like any other date I’ve been on.

(or, the closest you’ll ever get me to participate in Super Sexy Thursday, tumblrverse.)

I have a shirt that I wear on first dates that hits the exact target of “we’re on a casual date but I still got dressed up.”  It’s clearly a shirt would be very acceptable in a business setting.  It’s one of the few shirts that when I wear it I know I look good in it.  Also, I’m not a cologne person.  That doesn’t mean I don’t like to smell good, but I try to smell as neutral as possible in my day-to-day existence.  Typically, I only wear cologne when I’m on a date or going to some sort of high-falutin’ social event.  For whatever reason this morning, I decided to wear ‘the date shirt’ and cologne to work.  Maybe I wanted to bolster my confidence, maybe I wanted to hit on the woman who’s outside the Subway near my office with a shopping cart filled with garbage who screams for change at everyone, or maybe I knew that pimpin’ ain’t easy and life is my trick.  The point is I left my apartment this morning thinking (knowing?) I smelled and looked like a champ.

As I walked from my bus stop to my office, the rain started to come down and I didn’t bring an umbrella.  Annoying, but the dots of water on me will soon dry off.  As I get right in front of my office, a car speeds by, hits a puddle, and sprays me with dirty water.  Again, not the end of the world, but all the water seemed to fly directly on my pants so it looks like I pissed myself.  I get into my office (after grabbing some paper towels to clean myself off) and one of my co-workers walks in to say hello.  As soon as she walks in, she says, “Hey!  How are… HAHAHAHA!”  She points at my pants which clearly makes me look like I need undergarments.  “I’m so sorry, but that’s funny.”  We talk for awhile and before she goes she says, “By the way, are you wearing cologne?  Because it smells great.  More than I can say for your pants.  HAHAHAHA!”  At that moment I realize this day at work is like most of the first dates I’ve been on: I try my best to look good, no matter how hard I try I spill something on myself, and a woman is laughing at me just not in the way I wanted.

This was posted 4 hours ago. It has 29 notes.

Interpreting office speak.

Coworker: “Man, your office is sparse.  There is nothing in here!”
(translation: Word around the office is you’re leaving.  You’re not thinking of leaving already, are you?)

Me: “Yeah, I know.  I was thinking that as well.”
(translation: Fucking lay off.  I’m not leaving.)

Coworker: “You’re here most of the day.  You should make it look more like home.”
(translation: This is my polite way of figuring out your private life.)

Me: “Trust me, if I had things to bring I would.  Plus, I don’t drive here so I don’t want to haul things on the bus, you know.”
(translation: I ain’t telling you shit about my private life.  Plus, all I have is hardcore porn at home.  You want me to bring that?  Because I will.  I GODDAMN WILL.  Plus, I really don’t want to look like a doofus on the bus.)

Coworker: “When I first got my office, I immediately brought my entire collection of little teddy bears my kids have given me over the years.”
(translation: I’m so alone.)

Me: “Oh, that’s so sweet!  Yeah, I was thinking I need to bring a plant or something.  And preferably something that smells nice.”
(translation: I feel ya, I’m alone as well.  Also, I fart non-stop when the door is shut so I want to mask the odor.)

Coworker: “OK, I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.”
(translation: OK, so you’re not leaving?)

Me: “I know I’m being slow about it but, trust me, give me time.  I’ll have this office looking livable soon.”
(translation: No, I’m not leaving.  I just don’t care about shit like that.  SO BACK OFF.)

This was posted 1 day ago. It has 30 notes.