This is the glamorous.

Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs”

I feel like I should start a tumblrreviewsreviewed Tumblr.

Here’s a review of the Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs” album:

If you’re a teen, you may like it because your older brother at college likes it.

If you’re in your 20’s, you may like it because it is swelling and magisterial and makes you feel like the world holds eternal promise. Or, you may dislike it because it is insufficiently ________.

If you’re in your 30’s, you may like it because it reminds you of The Cure or R.E.M. or because you heard it on NPR.

If you’re in your 40’s, you may like it because it reminds you of U2.

If you’re in your 50’s, you’re wondering why young bands don’t sing about fast cars and puss anymore.

If you’re in your 60’s, you may like it because you heard it on NPR.

View high-res version.

For cmpblldllghn and anyone else interested.

Also, he wrote the websites on the backs of the tear-away taxi receipts. The one that shows the actual front of the receipt is the ‘mob’ one.

weselec replied to your post: Later bitches. I’m off to get the Holy Grail with a tweeked-out Polish cabbie.

Why is your life so fantastically interesting?

First, my life is not that interesting. I only talk about the interesting parts. Believe me for every one of these incidents there are thousands of me sitting at home in my boxers angry that Friday Night Lights’ season is over. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO TIM IN JAIL?! AND WHAT ABOUT VINCE PAYING BACK THOSE GANG MEMBERS FOR HIS MOM’S REHAB? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Trust me, I am boring 99% of the time. A lot of me reading, farting around the internet (and literally farting), and figuring out how to get that black mildew off my shower tile grout. The 1% I just try to make sound as entertaining as possible.

Second, I will be the first to admit that I have an equal propensity to attract weirdos as well as dive head long into situations where I know someone is going to do something awesome. I think I’ve talked about it before but people of a certain ilk seem to be attracted to me. These people tend to be homeless and/or street people. I believe it’s because I’m fat and have glasses. I think they interpret that as meaning I’m well-fed and have medical insurance so that means I have money (I DON’T.) Also, who else is fat and has glasses? That’s right, Santa Claus. Also, if I see a man standing on a street corner taking off his pants and complaining about the state of the grape harvest to his friend the ghost, I will probably walk up to him and try to start a conversation.

Third, stuff like this happens to other people all the time. Trust me. Everyone has weird experiences everyday. The only difference is they don’t write it down and try to make it sound entertaining. The instance with that cabbie last night? FRIGHTENING AS SHIT. A hyper Polish man was telling me about a Forex scam and had me locked in his cab. Thank god I tipped him well.

cmpblldllghn replied to your post: Later bitches. I’m off to get the Holy Grail with a tweeked-out Polish cabbie.

this is an incredible story and if you don’t mind, please email me the websites bc i am very interested in this business venture

When I get home, I’ll scan the papers he gave me. Well, all of them except one. The one he said was the website run by the Russian mob. I hope you understand.

Later bitches. I’m off to get the Holy Grail with a tweeked-out Polish cabbie.

(Due to the possible ramifications of using his real name, the taxi driver’s name in the proceeding story has been changed. Because I don’t want to die.)

Due to my inability to tell time and read the bus schedule, I had to take a cab home. Thankfully, I was on a fairly well-traveled street so I was able to get a taxi pretty quickly. The taxi driver in an extremely thick Polish accent asked, ”Where are we off to, my friend?” After telling him my address, we quickly sped off. He immediately started talking.

Nikolai: “Hello my friend, my name is Nikolai. What is your name?”
Me: “My name is David. It’s nice to meet you.”
Nikolai: [laughing] “Me too! Me too! David, how long do you think it takes to get to your place?”
Me: “Ahh, from here? I’ll say maybe 20-25 minutes.”
Nikolai: “Right. I’ll get us there in less than 20.”

Nikolai starts speeding through the streets faster than any cab I’ve ever been in. He’s swerving in and around other cars. He’s slipping past parked cars with the width of a piece of paper to spare. He’s yelling out his window at bicyclists and pedestrians who are slowing him down.

Nikolai: “David, do you smoke?”
Me: “No, no I don’t.”
Nikolai: “Good for you. I was going to tell you if you wanted to smoke that you could. I admit it was so I could smoke too. But good for you for not smoking. One more thing. Do you mind if I turn on radio? It’s Sirius. I want to listen to Fox News.”
Me: “No, that’s fine.”
Nikolai: “I understand that not everyone likes Fox News. I swear I only listen to business report. They have best business report on Sirius.”

Nikolai turns on his radio and starts blaring Fox News. He is speeding faster and faster though residential streets, taking short cuts that I didn’t know could be short cuts, and all the while getting call after call on his cell phone. He’s shouting in Polish and English at the callers and frequently saying, “NOT NOW, I HAVE A CLIENT!”

Nikolai: “David, I feel great today. How about you?”
Me: “Great! I feel great today as well.”
Nikolai: “Excellent! David, you know why I feel great? Because I take this pill everyday and WHOOSH! I’m filled with energy all day. It’s the best.”

As we approach my street I look down at his radio to see what the clock says. The trip appears to have taken 17 minutes. Nikolai tells me the fare and I give him a fairly large tip. The tip is for the short amount of time of the ride and that he’s given me plenty of fodder to write about. Nikolai sees the tip, his eyes get big, and he hits the button power locking all the doors.

Nikolai: “David, this is a generous tip. I want to repay.”
Me: “Oh, no, that’s OK…”
Nikolai: “Look at this!”

Nikolai produces an iPad. He quickly brings up a picture of a desk with at least 8 LCD monitors on it all belching out financial charts and hands the iPad to me.

Nikolai: “What do you see there?”
Me: “Umm, computer monitors with charts on them?”
Nikolai: “Exactly! That is my home computer set-up. David, you are so nice to me I want to be nice to you. What do you do for business?”
Me: “Sales.”
Nikolai: “What kind?”
Me: [REDACTED, I tell him what I ‘sell.’ Sorry, it would give away where I work.]
Nikolai: “Then you should know this. What is the Holy Grail of sales?”
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Nikolai: “What is the Holy Grail of sales?”
Me: “I have no idea.”
Nikolai: “Money. Literally selling money. Here!”

Nikolai pulls out a tiny pad of paper and scribbles down a number of websites on them. He hands the paper to me as I hand back his iPad.

Nikolai: “I have two jobs. I drive this taxi and I trade currency. You know, FOREX. You see, I drive taxi to make instant money. Cash on hand, no? But with my computers, I trade Euros and Yen the rest of the time. If I have good day trading, I don’t drive taxi that day. If I have bad day, I drive taxi until I make the amount I want. And, when I want vacation I just take it. But currency, I’m telling you, is the best. I bought this taxi brand new because of currency. I buy this computers and iPad because of currency. How much you make last year?”
Me: “Well, ahh…”
Nikolai: “I made over $200,000 last year. I am not millionaire, but I am getting there, yes?”
Me: “Sure…”
Nikolai: “So, those websites I give you, they will teach you everything you need to know. They make you money. Not super rich, but more than you make now.”
Me: “Well, ah, thank you.”
Nikolai: “My pleasure. Oh, that website,” Nikolai pushes his hand over the plexiglass divide to the papers he’s given me, “don’t go to it straight away. Use Tor. You know what Tor is?”
Me: “Yes, yes I do.”
Nikolai: “OHH GOOD! That site is controlled by Russian gangsters. Use Tor when you go there.”
Me: “I will. Do you mind unlocking the door?”
Nikolai: “Oh, yes. Sorry!”

As I get out of the cab, Nikolai pops his head out the passenger window, “I know where you live now. I stop by and we discuss how were are doing, yes?” Without saying anything, I walk down the alleyway next to my apartment so it isn’t apparent which apartment I am going to and slip through the back door. I hear Nikolai one last time.

Nikolai: “Holy Grail, David. HOLY GRAIL!”

Sometimes, your parents just need a cheerleader in the bedroom.

This post had me laughing far harder than it probably should have. For better or worse, I’ve had two very distinct instances where I was confronted with the fact my parents were once still engaged in sexual relations. One of those times, I was clearly an asshole.

“…’cause you’re dealing with a seasoned steak right here. Really fatty, chewy, gamey steak, but IT’S STILL A STEAK.”
“In the meantime, just worry about the boils on your crotch.”
“I’ve learned to accept I have the handwriting of an 11-year-old girl who’s discovered that she can replace her ‘i’s with hearts.”
“Nothing says pimp like getting a text that says ‘POOP FART’ at seven in the morning.”
“‘Oh, what’s that action sports superstar? Can you shove a dollar worth of quarters in each of your nostrils? You can’t? Sucks to be you.’”

Film School Thesis Statement Generator

wondertonic:

Enter a movie. Click create. Write your Paper.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Deftones - Drive
davislove

Psycho Cubicle Neighbor strikes again.

A friend of mine who works at the place of my old employment very excitedly had to tell me she inadvertently got to spend Friday night with the Psycho Cubicle Neighbor (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8). Here are some of the choice phrases PCN dished out on Friday: