This is the glamorous.

Albino deaf girl, just let my fat jowly mouth slam these Reese’s Pieces.

So I got a new belt today.  While this might not seem like a monumental thing, I tend to make it a big thing.  Since I am incredibly picky about certain clothing accessories and I just can’t go to any old store to get belts that fit properly, it usually requires going to the tubby man store and a high dose of simultaneous pride swallowing and silent prayer.  (The absence of faith since I have to go to big-and-tall store and a prayer that there is actually a belt there that fits that I like.)

(On a side note… Every man-of-size store I’ve ever been to has four types of employees: the overweight dude who feels your pain, the mustachioed older gent who actually remembers when there was such a thing as a ‘men’s store’ and doesn’t understand what all this rap clothing is doing here, the overweight girl who continually gives you the look of “I’M NOT GOING TO SETTLE FOR YOUR TYPE,” and the skinny girl with badly dyed blonde hair who probably didn’t know enough to sleep with the manager at American Eagle.)

Before I headed back home, I walked over to the Target next door to get some odds and ends.  On the way out, I grabbed a bag of Reese’s Pieces because THAT’LL SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF GOING TO A MEN’S BIG AND TALL STORE.

Moments later, I walk onto the train.  The only open seat is the single chair at the back of the car.  In front of this seat sits an albino woman.  She truly has pale white skin and white blonde hair.  Her hair, intentional or otherwise, looks like Napoleon Dynamite.  She looks like Napoleon Dynamite.  It’s not a matter of not wanting to stare but I’m looking for a seat and something I’ve never seen before is in my line of vision.

I walk back to the seat and find my bag of Reese’s Pieces.  As I open the bag and prepare to slam them all (it tastes better that way), the albino movie character turns around and says, “You’re not supposed to eat on the train.”  Except, she has the vocal cadence of someone who has never spoken before.  Much like the sound of someone deaf who has learned speech in spite of the fact they can’t hear themselves, this command came out like a lecture from Marlee Matlin.  As soon as I collected my brain from off the train floor, she turns to the person she’s sitting next to and begins to speak and sign at the same time.  ”Can you believe that steamboat was real?” she says.  It dawns on me after a few minutes what she was talking about.  It was then I realized I got told not to eat my candy on the train by an deaf albino woman who looks like Napoleon Dynamite who is talking about the movie Fitzcarraldo to her seat mate.

Obviously puzzled, I ate my Reese’s Pieces despite the protest and made my way home.

This was posted 4 months ago. It has 45 notes.